Deconversion (Part 1) - Managing the beginning of spiritual doubt

On reaching the intellect boundary.

When was the last time you changed your mind? Although I am curious to know why you went for the glazed aubergine instead of the oven-roasted lamb (why would you do such a thing?) - I’m referring to the bigger things. The kind of things you’ve centered your life around. Or the things that are common denominators in all your friendships - which, if forfeited, will, in turn, forfeit those friendships. Switching your point of view comes at a price it seems.

Perhaps the most relatable descriptor I can think of; the things that seem so big to pivot away from - that you just don’t. Simply because of the monumental effort it would require to shift your whole life around, even if it betrays you to remain where you are.

I doubt this applies strictly to faith systems. A good breakup has the same mechanisms, or moving out of your hometown. But there can’t be that many areas of life that uproot the very structures used since childhood to navigate the world. I mean, it’s a pain in the ass to change banks, sure. But I’d take that any day over the gargantuan task of a mental overhaul required by a faith change. Exhausting.

I’m sure you remember when the world stopped in 2020. The pros and cons of this time can be discussed at length, and it’s clear everyone was affected in different ways. For me, a brief window of time opened in which I was given the distance needed to explore some ideas that had been floating around in my head for some years. And the things I concluded have defined both the last 5 years of my life and many more years to come. I’d like to talk about it in case it can help anyone navigate this mess of a world. So let’s talk about it. This is my deconversion - how I left my faith, and why.

But first, a short story.

"I started as a student at this place who was also made to volunteer. The leadership controlled the way we spoke and dressed. We could not say certain words while living/working there. For example, we had to change the words emergency to priority, problem to opportunity, sloppy joes to hardy joes, trash to facilities, I’m sick to I’m receiving my healing, etc. If they thought it was negative you couldn’t say it.

They also worked us for 14-16 hours at a time per day. The leadership was passive aggressive and spiritually abusive. I was not given permission to leave campus multiple times while my grandmother was in the hospital dying. I was told to change my confession, have some faith, and stop responding in fear. I missed my grandmas last days on earth.

They constantly tore town students and overworked them. Even when we were hired on staff we only made between 100-400 every two weeks depending on our jobs and positions. But we all still worked over 14 hours per day. Some days I was made to stay up over 24 hours at a time for projects and was given orders not to sleep until they were complete.

They said God would tell them when our seasons there were over and only gave us permission to leave based on the peace they felt they were receiving from the holy spirit. Then we would have to have an 'exit' meeting with them in which they would pressure many people to stay for a longer amount of time claiming that is what God wanted. If you tried to leave on your own they would say you were uprooting your seed and stepping out of grace as a warning to you but also to pressure individuals to stay."

“Anonymous Testimony”
Texas Bible Institute
Columbus, Texas, USA

I honestly can’t remember a single Sunday in my youth where I wasn’t in church. “My youth” - as in, until I was 25. Most weeks, I was also there one to two other days of the week. And this, in faith circles, makes you devoted. See, there’s this rewards-program type mentality in these groups where you are in unspoken competition with your peers, and whoever prays the most, reads the Bible the most, or attends church the most, is spiritually superior. Except if they brag about it. Then you lose points, of course.

But that can’t be a bad thing when you're indoctrinating yourself in love! Right? After all, these are the teachings of Jesus Christ himself - the love of God incarnated, exemplified, and God himself (but not).

Today, I realize the power of language. Which is ironic to say as I come out of a faith that is obsessed with etymology. It’s clear to me that the language used in the paragraph above, which addresses these macro-thematics, these overarching themes of humanity’s relationship with God, are now systematized and categorized in such a way that it’s painstakingly difficult to dismantle the knot of problematic elements that come attached to such concepts. It carries a very overpromise/underdeliver dynamic.

Throughout 2020 and beyond, I saw the same people who had gold stars in the rewards program utter racist nonsense without batting an eye. Jesus-loving “prayer warriors” who pledged unwavering support to a misogynist bigoted president (you can buy his Bibles for 59.99$ right now, hurry). ‘Jesus loves you!’-stickers-on-the-back-of-their-car and “Can I pray for your leg?” theobros who had nothing - I kid you not - nothing to say about George Floyd’s murder in broad daylight, many of which decided it might be a good time to announce their pride in their local police force, and their country, for some reason. Perhaps the most ironic one for people who regularly gathered to sing “I once was blind but now I see…”, I saw church leaders encourage public gatherings on Sundays (I’m talking mid-2020) amid a pandemic, suggesting staying at home was satanic as well as those vaccines that came with it (granted, this was is a touchy subject for many including many people not related to any faith group) even though they knew people who had died from Covid19.

No matter what 2020 threw at the corporate body of believers, they could not seem to choose the right side. The one that loved their neighbor. The one that didn’t just benefit themselves. The one that honored others, for they, too, carried the imprint of God. There was no self-sacrifice. There was no rooting for the marginalized. A few, maybe, sure. Not nearly enough.

So there were two options. 1. People are stupid and don’t get it. There are clear teachings, and if they followed them, they wouldn’t be doing this. And 2. There’s something wrong with the whole system.

Do you need a quick water break? When is the last time you hydrated?

In 1860, Mississippi senator Jefferson Davis, on the floor of the US Senate, opposed a bill funding education for Black people. To justify this, he made up this story he said was from the Bible. In this made-up fairy tale, when Cain was exiled from the Garden of Eden, he comes across the Land of Nod. And in this Land of Nod, according to senator Davis, were the animals and beasts that were created before humans, before Adam and Eve. And among these beasts was a particular animal-like group with darker skin.

Senator Davis was talking about black people. “Black inferiority is the will of God” he said, “as confirmed by history”. That’s the story that senator Davis told. The same senator Davis that would go on to become the first president of the Confederate States of America to justify this idea that the inequality between the Black and white races was “stamped from the beginning.

“Stamped from the Beginning”, Roger Ross Williams, Netflix, 2023

I shouldn't rush to conclusions! I’m an academic for Christ’s sake. I have a minor degree in Biblical Studies that came as a bonus with my Music degree. I know to first and foremost conduct biblical research and seek out theological sources (in reality, you would just speak to your pastor, or youth pastor who is possibly a volunteer). And if I land on a conclusion that isn’t what the mainstream theological voices are saying, I am wrong and a heretic and should shut up so I can focus on upping my reward points to think “clearly” again.

But I did it anyway. And I became a Satan worshiper.

No, I’m joking; I only found some answers to my many questions. Most of them I still wonder about today. However, I did find many people. People who had questions, other people who didn’t have answers, and frankly had many more questions than me. I was reassured not by their answers - or lack thereof - but by their experience. It was like mine. They were confused and sought traditional answers, but they were shut down by their respective religious authority. Unsatisfied, they continued on their own, all alone - like myself and perhaps you.

Here I noticed an important facet of organized faiths; there is a set of safeguarded parameters for freedom of thought. A sort of intellectual boundary if you will. You cannot step outside it, or you are “a heretic”, or perhaps you are “being deceived by the enemy” as it would be said more commonly. You cannot ask what-ifs about creationism. Or look into the idea of holiness beyond what was defined a couple of millennia ago. You won’t be allowed to imagine a reality where Heaven or Hell aren’t there after your last breath. Sexuality cannot be a spectrum to be explored. The State of Israel cannot be questioned nor criticized amid all its contemporary war crimes and crimes against humanity committed in Palestine. And you cannot contradict what the Bible is “clear” on.

Instead, at this point you would be prescribed to spend more time with like-minded people (not like you, like them) and read more scripture - a crucial element of indoctrination; thought limitation. Just take a look at these verses, they’re regularly used in churches today, especially with younger groups as their original audience was younger people:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”
Proverbs 3:5

This command delivers a promise in the next stanza:

“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6

In other words, if you forfeit your thought process, and follow the teachings you are given (blindly, might I add) - you will be guided in what is right and godly.

A promise that did not deliver in 2020, unfortunately.

The funniest and saddest part in all of this is that the people I found who were simply sharing their experience online through podcasts and books, or small seminars were almost all educated church leaders or theology professors at some point. Some of them, in their explorations, taught me more about the Bible than what I had learned in years of studying it in church and university.

By this point, it was clear for many reasons; I changed my mind. About it all. I think I had for years, but I had no framework to process it. Plus, I was stuck in that system for decades by that point in time. The only thing that freed me was a spiky-looking virus that froze the world, and a group of people just as confused as I was.

---

Layer upon layer
Calmly sinks to the ground
You thought we were sane
With scepter, cape and crown
 
Harbored from the void
The lore lives on
Impeding the dissonance to resolve
 
Prayer upon prayer
Delusive causal chains
Withdraw us from what's real
Alleviate our pains
 
Harbored from the void
The lore lives on 
Evading
Denying
Impeding us all 
To move on

“The Void”, written, produced, and performed by José González, 2021

---

There was a nail in the coffin moment, I will say. Christian faith hinges on the belief in a supposed problem for which it alone has a supposed solution. This problem is original sin, a consequence of a fallen mankind (thanks Eve, ugh, eat a banana next time). The solution is Jesus, who voluntarily died on behalf of us to pay back his Father, who is also him. There’s just one problem for me with all of this.

This problem was born on February 18th, 2021 at around 15:00. His name is Everett Leander Salazar, and when I held his face to mine, felt his breath on my cheeks, and looked into his wondering half-closed eyes - I found no sin in him. But for the first time in all my years spent in churches I can say I saw the face of God. He looks like a little alien with skin too big for his body, and his nose that vaguely resembles mine.